Selfishness

I’ve been talking with several friends lately about selfishness.  I live in a very religious community and there are many people who are striving to be a “good” person.  Being a “good” person often means unselfish.

But unselfish is a tricky word.  Anything we do for ourselves could be termed “selfish.”  Eating, brushing our teeth, getting dressed, etc.  All of those are things we do for ourselves.

I’ve seen so many women who have become unhappy and unfulfilled, living lives devoid of joy or purpose because they are trying to be “unselfish” like a good, christian woman should be.  They think they need to sacrifice all of their wants, needs, and desires for their children or husband.  Even if that husband and kids never asked for the sacrifice.

Taking care of yourself, creating a life that brings you joy and satisfaction, isn’t selfish.  If we want anything to grow and cultivate into its best self, it requires care.  We care for plants in ways that help them grow and develop into their best selves.  We take care of our children in the same way.  We make sure they get rest.  We make sure they get  physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment.  We point out the good in them and celebrate their achievements and comfort them in their disappointments.  We encourage them to challenge themselves and develop talents and skills.  We want them to be happy.

What would happen though, if we as women, cared for ourselves the way that we care for our children?  What if we made sure we got rest ourselves?  What if we were trying to make sure that we had physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment?  What if we celebrated our own achievements and offered ourselves comfort when we were disappointed? Or even just cut ourselves some slack on challenging days?  What if we challenged ourselves to develop our talents and skills?

Does that sound selfish?

Or does that sound like essential conditions for becoming the best version of yourself?

The next time you see a woman who has lost herself or is drowning in meeting everyone’s needs except her own, please don’t compliment her on how unselfish she is.  Set her straight on how she can’t become her best self  without taking care of herself with the same love and diligence she gives to others.