Yesterday I ended up having a pretty personal conversation with a teenage friend that was at my house. He was talking about his parents, step-parents, why he sometimes engaged in risky behavior, what motivated him to engage in that behavior and what he got out of it, and how he was trying to make better choices. We talked about how understanding himself better could help him know what jobs or careers would be fulfilling to him and help him meet his needs in a way that wasn’t harmful to himself. It was a pretty open and vulnerable conversation for a teenage boy to have with his friend’s mom, and I was so glad that he was feeling comfortable enough to talk about these things because I really care about him and want the best for him.
I also wondered, “Why me?” Why did this teenager feel comfortable talking to me about these things? I decided that I must have passed the trust test. People in general don’t open up to someone until they’ve built a relationship and decided the person can be trusted. Kids and teenagers are the same way. Sometimes kids watch how you react to other people to see if you’d have a bad reaction if they told you something. Sometimes they will tell you something smaller and less significant and see how you respond. Sometimes they will see if you’re paying attention to them, if you care about them and show an interest in their life. They test you before they trust you.
This kid trusted me. He had seen how I responded to my own son on serious matters. He knew that I cared about him because I took time to talk to him whenever he came over. He knew that I would accept him regardless of whether he always made great choices or not because of the way I had handled an issue in the past. He knew I would listen and try to understand. He’s been assessing me and evaluating me probably since the day I met him. Every interaction we’ve had over the last few years influenced him and made him feel safe about opening up yesterday.
We never know who is looking for a safe person, someone they can talk to openly about shortcomings, mistakes, and struggles. We never know which person in our life is testing us to see whether we can be trusted. So be present and be kind. Someone somewhere is testing you.
Work In Progress 