Sometimes I’m not very patient, but maybe not in the way you are thinking. Sometimes I’m not patient when it comes to letting other people come around to things on their own time, and in their own terms.
I like to have close relationships. I like to have deep conversations. Sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings with someone makes me feel close to them. But I’m not satisfied with being the only one who opens up and shares. I want the people in my life to share their experiences, thoughts, and feelings with me. That’s where I can be impatient and get pushy. I will push people to open up. Trying to push someone into doing something never works out well. We all need to do things because we want to, not because someone is trying to make us. When I push other people to open up to me, it removes the opportunity for them to realize that they WANT to open up to me. Does that make sense? If I’m pushing them to share before they think about it themselves, they never even have a chance to realize that they want to talk to me about what’s going on with them.
Also, whenever we feel obligated to do something, it lessens our motivation to do it. Even if we liked doing it before. It makes us feel stuck, without a choice, and that leads to frustration and resentment.
I’ve been working on changing this pushiness for emotional connection. Something that has helped me is to try and have no expectations for the way other people interact with me. To honor and accept them for who they are, how they think, feel, behave, etc. I even have a sign in my bathroom that says, “No expectations.”
I’ve been marveling over how changing my behavior has changed the behavior of the people I love. The more I back off, not push for more emotional conversations, etc….the more they have opened up. My husband especially. Before, he felt like I would be looking for something specific, he wouldn’t know what that was or how to give it to me, and he’d walk away feeling like he failed to give me what I wanted. Now….it’s crazy to me how frequently he just brings things up on his own. Randomly. The same thing happens with my kids. My teenage son and I used to talk when I would drive him places, but now that he has his license, that doesn’t happen anymore. I found myself pushing him to open up and talk to me. It never worked. But if I back off…he talks to me when he feels like it. He got some music producing software and equipment for Christmas and I wondered if he would ever let us listen to what he was creating. Just last night he walked in with a smile on his face and asked if I wanted to listen to his song he’d been working on.
Before you get any crazy ideas that I’m good at this, I’m not. It is still really hard for me. I frequently find myself with the urge to push my husband or kids into being more open. And sometimes I realize too late that I’ve already been doing it. But I’m aware now and that makes a huge difference. It isn’t a life changing idea or concept, and it makes so much sense when you think about it, but that’s how most of the changes are that we need to make in life. They are simple, and it seems almost ridiculous that you didn’t realize it before.
Stop pushing. Have no expectations of what other people should or shouldn’t do for you. And be open and loving without any regard to what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
Work In Progress 