Exactly Who I’m Supposed to Be

I’ve been working on a Christmas project for my husband, and it requires me to read through some of my old journals.  I wrote in a journal everyday from the time I was 14 until I got married.  Reading over them has been quite the experience.  There are times when I read that my heart aches for the girl who was struggling so desperately with depression and negative thoughts about herself.  There are times where I have to laugh at all the boys I thought I might like, pretty much any boy that expressed an interest in me was considered.  My heart has been filled with compassion as I consider all the difficulties that my parents faced raising my siblings and I.  I’ve marveled at how much I’m the same person.  My struggles have new faces, but they are about the same thing when you peel away the top few layers.  I’ve been filled with gratitude for friends and family that were there when they didn’t even know I needed them.  I’ve been filled with love as I reflect on all the ways that God helped me even though I might not have seen it at the time.

Throughout my life, I’ve frequently struggled with how emotional I am.  I’ve hid my sadness and tears from a very early age.  When I’m upset or sad, I’ve shut down and locked everything away inside.  I’ve never wanted to hurt other people because I’m upset by something they did.  I’ve never wanted to burden loved ones with my sadness or discouragement.  I’ve often been ashamed because I felt so much so strongly.  I’ve labeled myself as selfish, weird, overreacting, dumb, embarrassing, etc. because I feel things strongly.

As I read through all these journals, analyzing myself from a distance, I had such a powerful experience.  I was thinking as I read them that I sure was an emotional person, and that I still am.  Immediately, I felt God whisper to my heart that I was exactly who I was supposed to be.  I was supposed to be emotional.  I was supposed to be emotional, and tender, and sensitive.  Sure, there are times when those traits get me into trouble, but more frequently those are the exact traits that allow me to help God in his work of loving others in the ways they need.  Yes, I am emotional.  But that means that my heart feels deeply for people that suffer to the point that I will try to help.  Yes, I am sensitive.  But that means that I am sensitive to what people need when they don’t feel capable of speaking and asking for it.  Yes, I am tender.  But that tenderness makes it so friends, family, and sometimes strangers feel comfortable confiding in me as they seek to find solutions to their struggles.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so emotional, sensitive, and tender, because let’s be honest, there are times where those traits cause me and others pain.  I’m sensitive to what others say and sometimes feel hurt when they didn’t intend to inflict pain.  I’m emotional at times when I’d rather be composed-like speaking publicly.  My tender heart sometimes brings pain so intense it is hard to handle.

But I am exactly who I’m supposed to be.  God didn’t intend for me to be different.  What I was born with, the experiences I’ve had, they have created an emotional, sensitive, and tender heart.  And that is just as God intended.

I am exactly who I am supposed to be.