My husband and I went to counseling earlier this year. We wanted to know how to resolve hurt feelings more quickly, and I also wanted to feel a greater sense of emotional connection in our marriage. It was hard at first to even articulate why we were going in because there wasn’t anything catastrophic going on. We weren’t screaming at each other, we weren’t unfaithful, we weren’t even necessarily unhappy most of the time. Our relationship seemed to hover around an 8, but I wasn’t satisfied with that. I wanted it to hover at a 10. It was a great experience, and we felt like we achieved what we were looking for after about 5 sessions.
Our therapist always gave us assignments to complete before we came back. One of the assignments was to start having a weekly check in with each other. I had tried to initiate this in the past, but it never turned out very well. I had been wondering if there was a way to structure it so it was helpful, and the therapist taught us how to do just that. She said we had to pick a day and time that we could be consistent with. We decided to have lunch together on Tuesday, which means he usually brings take-out to the house and our 4 year old gets to watch a show while we talk. Then we ask each other the same three questions each time. “On a scale of 1-10, how do you think we are doing (my husband doesn’t always like the scale, so he might just use an adjective).” Second question is, “What did I do last week that helped you feel loved?” And the last question is, “What can I do this week that would help you feel loved?”
It has been really good for us to have this habit in our relationship. It has been a great time for us to articulate how we are feeling, the good things the other person has done, and what we want more of. Notice that there is no question that allows you to say what you didn’t like your partner doing. This isn’t a time to list all your complaints. I think that is really important.
Having an opportunity to share with your partner the things they do that really make you feel loved is so helpful for your partner. And being able to hear what means the most to your partner is so helpful for you! Most partners don’t receive love in the same ways. I think it is rare for partners to have the same love language. My partner and I definitely don’t! It isn’t natural for either of us to love each other in their love language, it’s more natural for us to love them in our love language. But that doesn’t speak to them the same way it speaks to us. I can say a million loving things to my spouse, write him notes, and send him thoughtful texts…..but that’s how I want to be shown love. He receives love most strongly through other ways.
My husband and I didn’t have our best week last week, but we had our lunch date yesterday and by the end of the night, we were back in sync with each other. I think we all want to love each other better, we just oftentimes don’t know how. Creating this habit in your relationship can help you learn. It’s usually the simple things that create the most change, but you need to know what simple things to focus on.
Work In Progress 