Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of inviting people to do things rather than commanding or trying to force them. I’m sure I listened to some book or podcast that inspired these thoughts, but I don’t remember which one.
For quite some time, I’ve been trying to get my two youngest girls to be more reverent when we are praying. I usually say, “Fold your arms,” or “Be quiet,” or “Stop walking around.” I haven’t been very successful with those commands. At one point I did a sticker chart for them to be reverent. Every reverent prayer earned them a sticker, and enough stickers earned them a prize. They were absolutely amazing at being reverent with that chart; it worked perfectly. Until the chart was full and we didn’t start another one. They went right back to walking around and talking while we were praying.
I started something different the last few weeks though. Instead of saying, “Fold your arms,” I say instead, “Would you like to fold your arms for the prayer?” Such a tiny difference. But it is an invitation instead of a command. When I ask if they want to fold their arms, it requires them to think about whether they want to or not. Almost without fail, they fold their arms with a smile on their face. It’s almost unbelievable that such a small change in my word choice has made such a difference in their behavior.
The power lies in the fact that I’m not commanding them anymore, I’m not dictating what they have to do (command sounds so austere). When we ask people what they want to do, or even invite them to do something rather than try to force them, it changes things. No one wants to be forced into something, or feel like they are being manipulated. We all want to honor ourselves-our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Even kids.
So try starting your sentences with, “Would you like to…..?” It doesn’t mean that they will always want the same things that you want, but they will be learning what they truly desire. There is great power in knowing that. You can’t go after what you want in life if you don’t know what it is. Doing things to appease other people, or to earn a superficial reward…..those things don’t stick. Doing things because we truly want to…..that is how we live powerful lives.
Work In Progress 