For the last year, I’ve been contemplating what to do next in my life. The past 17 years, I’ve had a lot of big projects, but they’ve all been the same project: making babies, taking care of babies, and helping toddlers. Pregnancies were pretty brutal for me. Extreme sickness (think crying on the kitchen floor because you are literally starving and losing weight-and maybe your mind, constant nausea and vomiting, feeling like you have the stomach flu day after day, week after week, month after month)…..Not fun. But apparently not torturous enough. I was also one of the lucky ones that experienced severe depression WHILE I was pregnant. Again, not fun. Needless to say, every time I was pregnant my world shut down while I did. It was pure survival mentality. Once again, not fun. But those nine months of torture brought the sweetest blessing into our home every time, so we did it over and over. We would survive the pregnancy then try our best to put our lives back together. Doing that 6 times didn’t leave a lot of room for other endeavors.
Now though…..for the first time in a long time, I’m not in the industry of making little humans. It’s a strange place to be for since that’s been my line of work for so long. I’ve been praying and pondering for quite some time, trying to figure out God thinks my next endeavor should be.
I got an answer in the beginning of May while sitting in the temple. I had a strong impression to finish two bigger projects I was working on before summer hit, so I could focus on applying for graduate school for a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. It was a pretty clear impression. It’s really nice when those happen. But before you go getting all jealous on me, remember I had been praying about it for a year without much direction. I think God knows He can’t answer me until it is actually time to get started. I’m not a procrastinator and will jump in as soon as I know the direction. If He tells me too early, I’m likely to jump in before it’s the right time.
So I finished my projects, did some research, and realized I would need to take the GRE before applying to the programs near me. The GRE is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you that. We are talking math that you can’t remember ever learning-or using- since you left school. Hard math. Abstract math. All brought to you by an industry that is intentionally trying to trick you into choosing the wrong answer. Then there is the verbal section that has so many words you’ve never seen in your life. Plus complicated passages to read and dissect. Last of all is the writing section. Two essays to write, each in 30 minutes, pointing out flaws in arguments and arguing for a certain position on an issue. It’s a four hour test. Flashbacks of the ACT anyone? Needless to say, I had a lot of studying to put in if I wanted to do well. Which I wanted very much, considering that the program was competitive, they were looking for work experience, and I’m pretty sure may 16 years of raising humans isn’t quite what they mean when they say “experience in the field.”
Anyway, I bought a ginormous study book (over 1000 pages), got myself up bright and early before my kids everyday during the summer, and studied like a mad woman. Not the most pleasant way to spend a summer, but it paid off. I took the test last week and did pretty well if I do say so myself. A significantly higher score that the average of those admitted into the program. I’m hoping that will help. More than anything though, I’m elated to be done with the GRE. No more studying. No more stressing. Just done.
The thing that never ceases to amaze me is how much confidence I have moving forward with things when I know it is what God wants me to do. I have so many doubts about my ability to be a good therapist, concern about whether I will even get accepted into a program, and an incredible amount of worry about how it will impact my family if I do. But never once did I consider not moving forward because I know without a doubt that taking this step is God’s plan for me.
I don’t know what will happen when I apply. I might get accepted, or I might not. I might become a therapist, or I might not. I don’t get to see the whole picture. But God does, and I know that once I take this step, He will lead me to the next one when the time is right.
Work In Progress 